The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
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my friends when i can’t do basic math
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
BRAKING NEWS!!
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Social distancing in Australia:
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.