I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
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My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…