umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work