‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Barbie gone wild
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?