It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.