#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
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Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“Huge”.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me