Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
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Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.