People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”