Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
You Might Also Like
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Word!
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.