The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun