This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
i will not be silenced
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?