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bury ourselves
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?