sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-