*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Need this in my life lol
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow