[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Did my cat write this
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.