Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
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[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate