I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’