lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”