1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
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I love it all
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Oh hi lol
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
meanwhile over on facebook
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold