A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
You Might Also Like
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.