When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
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Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet