“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
You Might Also Like
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Nose
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
some Old Testament wisdom
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary