First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want