I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
You Might Also Like
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
🤣🤣🤣🤣
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.