* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
the #horror is real!