Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
You Might Also Like
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.