“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
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HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Order here:
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Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
just got my engagement photos
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
no one likes gloating
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂