Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.