I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
listen closely
Rich people don’t understand cereal
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*