My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up