When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
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ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.