[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
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What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”