I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
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Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.