Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
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*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
From my Mom
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Hotels are back
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.