willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
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Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
rise and shine we got egg
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.