*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Mornin
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Before & after 😅
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Knock Knock
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”