Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
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My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100