Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
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I’m tired tomorrow.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Bootstraps
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”