Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake