Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.