[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
No, YOUR illiterate.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end