something like this could probably happen to anyone
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daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
A fake ID that makes you younger
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]