I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
✌️
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic