My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.