Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
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I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Print is alive and well!!!
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth