[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB: