A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
These dogs look like they have good credit.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro