If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.