Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
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All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
your honor my client chooses dare
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait