good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
So true for me
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .